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Your Stars
Authors Note: The original twelve zodiac constellations and dates were laid out more
than 2000 years ago, reflecting the apparent path of the sun through the sky at that
point. Since then, however, the precession of the equinoxes (part of the Earth's
gyroscopic 25,800 year cycle) has resulted in a 26° 33' westward shift of the
constellations involved. The ecliptic path is therefore different now and
astrological forecasting should take this into account (they never do, and are thus
wrong). This column is the first in the world to take advantage of modern
astrological methods.
CAPRICORNUS - January 21 to February 18
Your life will improve once you realise what
a bad driver you are. Pluto intersecting with Mercury means that planets know a lot
more about driving roundabouts than you do.
AQUARIUS - February 19 to March 12
Neptune will interfere with your personal finances
this year, difficult as this is to imagine as ifs 4.306 billion km away. You will be
particularly tested when your new SEAT blows up and you consider buying an old VW.
PISCES - March 13 to April 16
Your career will change when you discover your boss
secretly hates your guts. It would be in your best interests to change to another
brand of motor oil. Watch out for skidmarks around Uranus.
ARIES - April 17 to May 10
An eclipse on the 23rd shows that you are afraid of the
dark. A change to 12-volt headlight bulbs may be on the cards. A complete stranger
may contact you when you run up their arse in the traffic.
TAURUS - May 11 to June 19
Dedicate a great deal of time and energy to your personal
agenda, which includes having your Beetle serviced. Mars will cause an unexpected
failure of your VWs planet gears.
GEMINI - June 20 to July 20
You will consider fitting two Dellorto carbs to your VW.
Your ignorance will show itself at a club meeting when you forget to buy a round of
drinks. When service time comes around, remember to cheek your VW's caster.
CANCER - July 21 to August 9
You may be under the influence of strong drugs this
year. Be careful on tight turns as you may end up sideways. Someone very close to
you may reveal feelings of intense dislike towards your T4.
LEO - August 10 to September 13
Make sure you check terminal 58b of your headlight
switch as it is bound to fail. A meteor passing through your sign is a good
indication to avoid Japanese-made Fords.
VIRGO - September 14 to October 25
It may be wise to go to the drive-in a lot more
this year. More shag-pile in the back of the Kombi would also be beneficial. It is
crucial that you take better care of your gearstick.
LIBRA - October 26 to November 17
Issues for you this year include the important
balance of fuel used per distance covered in burnouts. Saturn means that you'll
have problems with your VWs rings.
SCORPIOS - November 18 to November 24
The red giant star in this constellation,
Antares, will have no effect on you whatsoever. However, the globular cluster M80
will directly deflate your VWs resale value.
OPHIUCHUS - November 25 to December 15
Those born under the sign of the Snake Bearer
often suffer intense feelings of displacement. There is no solution to this other
than to get more displacement.
SAGITTARIUS - December 16 to January 20
You are bitter and twisted because you've
always received a combined birthday and Xmas present. Buy another VW, you loser!
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